Oh how I digress……….. I’m good at that, here and in real life!!!
I am so thankful for what I mess I am.
Seriously - For Real..............
Rewind the clock four or five years and what you find is a shell of who I am today, a shell of who I was before that. I have to say to date in my 32 years on this planet that was by far the hardest, lowest time I’ve ever experienced. Lower than the dreaded junior high years (and that’s saying something!!).
Everything was a mess, yet everything was pretty much like it is today…………..
This is the mind blowing, super cool, I’m so utterly thankful aspect of the story.
Nothing has really changed, yet it’s all so much better…………….
Obviously things are different, I have a different job, we’ve renovated, and the girls are older. Still the “basics” are the same and to be honest entirely new and some more complicated bags of woes, worries and hardships have nestled into the corners of our home. Yet it’s all easier. Not always easy, but easier…. so much easier……………….
Back then EVERYTHING overwhelmed me – EVERYTHING. The everyday, the out of the ordinary, the good stuff, the bad stuff, all the stuff. I lost my joy and was basically discontent with every aspect of my life.
It goes without saying I credit the Good Lord with the contrast. I believe I had to hit that place to realize I really needed Him. I’m on a journey, one baby step at a time, sadly steps backward too, but more ground is being gained than lost. I’m still growing, learning, still a student, but oh I’m so thankful at how far I’ve been carried.
Not only this, I’m at the core thankful for having been in that pit. (Easy to say now I know!!!)
I know that I know that I know that I would not realize or appreciate where I am if I hadn’t come from there.
A big reason why each day is exciting and filled with hope is because of those days I spent drowning.
There aren’t the words to express my gratitude for where He has put me and that He didn’t let me drown. I was never forsaken, but man oh man there were many days where I felt it – just ask my poor mom who got her share of hysterical, heartbroken desperate phone calls. While I’m throwing out the gratitude – Ma I hope you know how much I appreciate all you’ve always done, but especially for standing with me during that time. I know my “hell” was “hell” on you….. love you more than words could ever say!!!
Furthermore I CANNOT write about this time in my life without expressing utter thankfulness to Hubby. We were so brand new, we were figuring so much out and I was such a mess. He stood, he stands…………. His patience and goodness overwhelm me……………thank you could never be enough……………